Post by Jonny Stripes on Apr 23, 2006 15:05:38 GMT 10
Jonny Stripes is standing in the set of a kitchen, obviously designed for a TV show. He is wearing an apron that says "Kiss the Chef" and a big white puffy chefs hat. In his hand he is holding a ladle and in his other hand he holds nothing. The camera zooms in onto Jonny as a big heading comes up that says "Stripes Cooking Experience, with Jonny Stripes". Cheesy music plays out and an even cheesier voiceover shouts out:
Voiceover: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now its time for your host, Jonnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy Striiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipes"
The heading goes away and the music stops, leaving just Jonny
Jonny: "G'day Australia, bloody oath I gotta say streuthy lucy, have I got one yowser of a show for you all today! I got two very special dishes prepared so get ready for the Jonny Stripes Cooking Experience to get underway!"
Jonny gives the camera a big thumbs up and jumps to another part of the kitchen, the camera joltingly following him
Jonny: "Now for my first meal, I have brought in a very special recipe. Its from Portugal ladies and gentlemen, a fairly exotic place. Unfortunately Australia is a hole, so we can't get fresh Portugese ingredients, so instead my lebanese mate sent us up some ingredients from Melbourne. So lets just pretend that this is proper wog grub"
The crowd claps mildly as Jonny starts dancing to the cheezy music, which has begun playing again. Jonny gives a big flourish of his arms as the music stops and begins speaking again
Jonny: "There are two names for this meal, the proper name and its nickname. Most people call this the Mediteranean Masterpiece, but really when you look at it, its far too small to reall satisfy. Thats why I call in the Mediteranian Minipiece"
Jonny gives a big phony smile and a shot of the crowd are shown, mildly clapping, while applause signs flash in front of them
Jonny: "Thanks guys, just been working on my jokes a little bit. But lets get on with the recipe now. First of all we need to put in flour, lots of flour..."
Jonny grabs a giant bag of flour and throws it into a giant pot
Jonny: "We also need a smidgen of cowardice, a very small amount of talent and a big mouth"
Jonny throws in a bunch of random looking things and slides the pot out of camera view
Jonny: "Now lets take a look at one I prepared earlier!"
Jonny jumps out of view again to another part of the kitchen and the camera follows. Jonny reaches below the counter and pulls a midget out with skin that is obviously fake tanned. He sits him up on the counter and bends down to his eye level
Jonny: "Now this is what I call a Mediteranian Minipiece. Unfortunately the ingredients werent quite right, so we ended up with this piece of junk before us. Obviously this is not of Portugese quality and we can tell its from that shithole Melbourne. Whats ya name little fella?"
Midget: "My name is Habib Kol...I mean my name is Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulioooooooooo Gonzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalezzzzzzzzzz"
Jonny nods and pats him on the head, before grabbing him by the throat and raising him above his head, before swinging him down and hitting the Red, White and Blue Thunder on the midget.
Jonny: "Give a hand for Julio Gonzalez everybody!"
The crowd again clap mildly and Jonny smiles broadly at the camera, before winking at it. The music starts to play again and Jonny dances his stupid dance, before jumping to the middle part of the kitchen again once the music stops
Jonny: "Never fear ladies and gentlemen, because we still have one more part of the show left. I am about to introduce you to one of our national icons-heck, lets call him a national treasure- the laziest, fattest and stupidest pro athlete in the world..."
The crowd start chanting "MARK HENRY" but Jonny shakes his head
Jonny: "No no, this man is a wrestler though. Give it up for DISTUUUUUUUUUUUUUURBED"
The cheesy music plays again and Jonny starts dancing again as a really fat man walks out onto the stage with a VB in a stubby holder. His gut is hanging out from under his singlet and he is showing a fair plumbers crack from his khaki pants. He shakes Jonnys hand and lets out a loud burp, prompting the music to stop
Jonny: "Now welcome to the show today Disturbed. I can't help but notice you are missing a thong"
Disturbed simply burps and this guy looks out of it. Jonny shakes his head and swings back, smacking the guy right in the head, knocking him to the floor. Jonnys face changes and he rips off the hat and apron and goes right up to the camera
Jonny: "Julio, Disturbed, no more games, no more talk, its time to plunge ourselves into hell. I assure you all, I will be coming back, because the Jonny Stripes Experience ALWAYS LIVES ON!"
Jonny takes one last look into the camera lens before walking off stage as the credits for the phony TV show roll
Voiceover: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand now its time for your host, Jonnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyyyyy Striiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipes"
The heading goes away and the music stops, leaving just Jonny
Jonny: "G'day Australia, bloody oath I gotta say streuthy lucy, have I got one yowser of a show for you all today! I got two very special dishes prepared so get ready for the Jonny Stripes Cooking Experience to get underway!"
Jonny gives the camera a big thumbs up and jumps to another part of the kitchen, the camera joltingly following him
Jonny: "Now for my first meal, I have brought in a very special recipe. Its from Portugal ladies and gentlemen, a fairly exotic place. Unfortunately Australia is a hole, so we can't get fresh Portugese ingredients, so instead my lebanese mate sent us up some ingredients from Melbourne. So lets just pretend that this is proper wog grub"
The crowd claps mildly as Jonny starts dancing to the cheezy music, which has begun playing again. Jonny gives a big flourish of his arms as the music stops and begins speaking again
Jonny: "There are two names for this meal, the proper name and its nickname. Most people call this the Mediteranean Masterpiece, but really when you look at it, its far too small to reall satisfy. Thats why I call in the Mediteranian Minipiece"
Jonny gives a big phony smile and a shot of the crowd are shown, mildly clapping, while applause signs flash in front of them
Jonny: "Thanks guys, just been working on my jokes a little bit. But lets get on with the recipe now. First of all we need to put in flour, lots of flour..."
Jonny grabs a giant bag of flour and throws it into a giant pot
Jonny: "We also need a smidgen of cowardice, a very small amount of talent and a big mouth"
Jonny throws in a bunch of random looking things and slides the pot out of camera view
Jonny: "Now lets take a look at one I prepared earlier!"
Jonny jumps out of view again to another part of the kitchen and the camera follows. Jonny reaches below the counter and pulls a midget out with skin that is obviously fake tanned. He sits him up on the counter and bends down to his eye level
Jonny: "Now this is what I call a Mediteranian Minipiece. Unfortunately the ingredients werent quite right, so we ended up with this piece of junk before us. Obviously this is not of Portugese quality and we can tell its from that shithole Melbourne. Whats ya name little fella?"
Midget: "My name is Habib Kol...I mean my name is Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulioooooooooo Gonzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalezzzzzzzzzz"
Jonny nods and pats him on the head, before grabbing him by the throat and raising him above his head, before swinging him down and hitting the Red, White and Blue Thunder on the midget.
Jonny: "Give a hand for Julio Gonzalez everybody!"
The crowd again clap mildly and Jonny smiles broadly at the camera, before winking at it. The music starts to play again and Jonny dances his stupid dance, before jumping to the middle part of the kitchen again once the music stops
Jonny: "Never fear ladies and gentlemen, because we still have one more part of the show left. I am about to introduce you to one of our national icons-heck, lets call him a national treasure- the laziest, fattest and stupidest pro athlete in the world..."
The crowd start chanting "MARK HENRY" but Jonny shakes his head
Jonny: "No no, this man is a wrestler though. Give it up for DISTUUUUUUUUUUUUUURBED"
The cheesy music plays again and Jonny starts dancing again as a really fat man walks out onto the stage with a VB in a stubby holder. His gut is hanging out from under his singlet and he is showing a fair plumbers crack from his khaki pants. He shakes Jonnys hand and lets out a loud burp, prompting the music to stop
Jonny: "Now welcome to the show today Disturbed. I can't help but notice you are missing a thong"
Disturbed simply burps and this guy looks out of it. Jonny shakes his head and swings back, smacking the guy right in the head, knocking him to the floor. Jonnys face changes and he rips off the hat and apron and goes right up to the camera
Jonny: "Julio, Disturbed, no more games, no more talk, its time to plunge ourselves into hell. I assure you all, I will be coming back, because the Jonny Stripes Experience ALWAYS LIVES ON!"
Jonny takes one last look into the camera lens before walking off stage as the credits for the phony TV show roll